“I have many “spouses”–men and woman who are there for me in ways
my husband simply cannot possibly be.
I love him, but he is not everything to me, and if I thought he was,
I’d be disappointed and lonely.
We have a good marriage, a tight “family” bond between the two of us,
but it is rounded out by a myriad of wonderful
and compassionate people whom I couldn’t
or wouldn’t want to live without.”
One of my favorite and most interesting Facebook friends left this comment here a few months ago and I was quite taken with it because it expresses EXACTLY how I feel, too.
Being everything to another person is an impossible task. It just can’t happen. I like to say that I have a short attention span, but it’s more that I like a variety of interactions. I get a lot from my husband, don’t get me wrong. But not everything. He gets a lot from me, but it would be delusional for me to think I was everything to him. I don’t want to be. I want him to have other friendships and outside stimulation. Then I want him to bring that energy back to me and our relationship.
Does that make sense?
I do have a few close and excellent male friends. They are brother-friends, they are nephew-friends and they are men whose company I enjoy. Whose discussions I enjoy. And that takes nothing away from my husband.
I also have a few close and excellent female friends. They are sister-friends and niece-friends and somehow, that seems more palatable to society than a married woman having guy friends.
Which is pretty silly if you ask me.
In that same vein, I’ve been thinking about this old memory: As a young newlywed I remember making plans to go to the mall to shop with a girlfriend, who was also married.
“Let me check to make sure my husband has something to do, first,” she said.
I was taken aback. He can’t figure out something to do by himself? I thought. Even at the age of 22, I thought that was strange. No outside energy there.
Four marriages. Yes, four. Two to the same man. So I think I have a pretty good idea about what works and doesn’t work. I know that one man can’t be everything to me just like one girlfriend can’t be everything to me.
What works is for couples to have their own individual lives and friends, as well as a life together and friends in common. What works is for couples to take the outside energy they get and use it to enhance their marriage.
I’d love to hear what you think about this.