My happy place is Macy’s shoe department in San Francisco. I could spend hours in there, and have. My nearby Macy’s can’t even compare to the breadth and style, but was all I had the other day, when I felt like wandering around, hoping to find something I could actually wear.
“Actually wear” are key terms today, because not only have my feet gone up a size with age, but I have no tolerance for uncomfortable shoes. That means I won’t be wearing high heels ever again. It’s not that I ever loved them, because to be honest, they were always painful to wear. But I am no longer willing to suffer for fashion.
The day I zoomed over to the mall, I was looking for a pair of wedges. You know, comfortable shoes that provide a little height. Because at my last physical I was almost an inch shorter. How did that happen? I have no idea. We measured three times because I couldn’t believe it and neither could my doctor’s assistant. I say it’s when M. shut the garage door on my head and I got a compression injury two years ago. That’s my thought. Well, nothing to be done about it except wear wedges.
Now, I have no idea what has happened to Macy’s shoe department at Valley Fair, my local mall, because the shoes were, well, let me show you because words don’t do them justice.
Now, there is absolutely no circumstance under which I would wear a pair of shoes like this. I mean, I tried to think it through. Certainly not at any of the very cool Silicon Valley companies around here. Or out to dinner. I can’t think of a single occasion what would warrant a pair of platform stilettos emblazoned with WOW! and OH! And yet, there they were, on sale at Macy’s. Someone must buy them. Right?
As a child of the 60s, I love me some tie dye. I really do.
These were really puzzling. The pink pompoms looked like they belonged on a pair of bedroom slippers to be paired with a pastel pink nylon “shortie” nightgown circa 1957. Think Doris Day in Pajama Game. I mean. Where would you wear these? And did you notice the price? That’s Shoe Barn pricing. And Shoe Barn shoe. I mean, Macy’s, WTF??
Now, I had to take a closer look at these.
They really are a work of art. However:
I’m not sure if you know this or not, but nylon stockings and pantyhose are out of style. Oh yes. Women are meant to be bare-legged at all times. Even in their stilettos. This requires us to be shaved, tanned and toned at all times. No unsightly veins or puckers of cellulite, all those little imperfections that used to be covered up by silky pantyhose. Nope.
Now, I love the silky feel of hosiery and I think it’s hella sexy. But in the case of these shoes, stockings would be a nightmare.
Because if you crossed your ankles once, or even lightly brushed your hose against this shoe? You’d rip the hosiery to shreds.
But these shoes are pretty to look at. I might frame them, even. But I wouldn’t wear them.
So this is what some men want us to wear. This model and the one at the top of this post. The one in which the woman’s foot is at an unnatural angle so that when she walks–IF she could walk–her butt is pushed unnaturally out. Yeah, every man’s dream.
Now, let’s get real. This is fetish wear. Because any woman would look ridiculous going out in these things. If she could even walk in them.
These are meant for horizontal wear only. Which is the only way I would consider wearing them.
So here’s the truth. I just found a few pairs of fabulous suede heels I bought in London years ago and wore a handful of times. I looked them over, slipped them on my feet and then, sent them to a consignment store.
Because in my current life, I have no need for them. They were too tight now that my foot has gone up a size. They weren’t comfortable. They were NEVER comfortable.
It’s been a very long time since I was willing to suffer for fashion.