It’s Monday. Let me rock your day.

May is National Masturbation Month.

Yes. It is.

I should start by saying that I have nothing against masturbation. I agree with the former Surgeon General, Jocelyn Elders, that it’s perfectly normal and healthy and that’s what kids should be taught.

But of course, most parents would find that discussion difficult (at minimum) and some would find it downright horrifying.

Biblical literalists think masturbation is wrong and point to Onan as proof.

I’m bothered by our national obsession with sexuality: preventing, avoiding it, announcing it, putting it down, preaching against it, doing it in public. Terms like “clit rock” annoy me. The need to say “penis” over and over seems equally silly. I’ve blogged before about Oprah’s obsession with her “va-jay-jay.” Honestly.

The way sexuality “experts” have to whack the public in the face with sex in the name of sexual liberation seems to be evidence of exactly the opposite. Look! they seem to be saying. I can talk about masturbation! I’m daring! Liberated! I hope I’m shocking you!

No. They just sound silly. Like little kids saying “poo-poo!”

To quote the Countess: “Money can’t buy you class….” (Damn! Did I quote that awful “song” by the Countess????)

I know plenty of people who have daring and liberated sex lives. Probably as wild and crazy as these so-called sex experts. If not more so. But they don’t feel compelled to slap everyone in the face with it.

I’m the furthest thing from a prude and what that means remains my personal business, thank you very much. I am “sex-positive,” as the expression goes. But, I don’t get why we can’t just masturbate in the privacy of our own homes. Without discussing it as a nation.

Must we have a “National Month of” designation? Market Masturbation Kits? Hold Masturbate-a-thons? Do people in other countries do this?

Because it sure seems that overall, more than any other people, Americans seem to have an unhealthy obsession with sex. We are a nation of reductionists and we seem to reduce everything to simplistic silliness.

I just don’t get how having a massive public circle jerk promotes healthy sexuality.

If we need to have months about natural bodily functions, how about National Move-Your-Bowels Month? Breathing Month? Because those are all natural functions, too.

So, May is National Masturbation Month. Have at it.

But please, unless you’re my lover, spare me the details and the sight.