Sometimes, I get hung up on knee-jerk “shoulds.” Those are rules that don’t stand the test of thought–things we sometimes think automatically. Of course, one of those “shoulds” is a functional family, something I don’t have and used to long for. Once in a while, that longing comes back, along with my belief that I can actually do something –anything–I just haven’t figured it out yet—to make it functional.
“We’re control freaks,” my husband told me the other day. “We refuse to believe we can’t change things.”
He’s right. And wise.
I would love to have a relationship with my siblings, but it’s not possible. One is malicious and mean–I know it comes from insecurity and feeling “less than” –but it’s always been hard to tolerate. The truth is that I haven’t missed the tension of her presence in my life and I don’t see any common ground whatsoever.
The examined life is hell for sure, and I’m someone who should know. But the unexamined life can also be hell and as long as hers is unexamined I see no way I can ever be anything but a threat to her. Yes, it brings me great sadness, but also great relief to not have to regularly deal with that kind of negativity.
As far as my other sibling, well, there might be common ground, but he doesn’t see it. Like my father, he is stubborn and avoids emotion. He has carried on my father’s tradition of not speaking to siblings, something I’m not very good at. There may be a perceived wrong, but if there is, I’m unaware of it.
All of this came to a vivid head a while back at an event where the two of them made a big show of avoiding us and others in our group. It was…childish. And sad. I wish things could be different, but wishes aren’t very productive.
I’m torn between wanting to reach out and the messages from my family in spirit that I should not, not at this time.
Ok, you’re wondering how I know what spirits say and why I listen and some of you are calling it superstition. That’s because you weren’t sitting next to medium John Edward in Long Island in a group of a dozen listening to him give extensive and accurate detail about my siblings and parents and the dynamic. However, sister-in-love WAS there and heard it all, too, and both of us were awake almost the entire following night working over those messages in our minds, both fascinated by the accuracy and horrified by what we heard in equal measure. Similar messages were given to me from another excellent medium I know well.
So even though all those messages had context that made complete sense, I still resist on occasion and want to reach my chin out so I can be sucker punched. I don’t do anything, though. My sense of self-preservation is strong.
Yesterday was one of those “wishing” days. M and I talked for a long time about it, massaged it over and over and came to the same conclusion: Status quo was the most functional of the dysfunctional options I had.
And then I went off to have tea with lovely friends in San Francisco. On my way to the city I pondered. What is it that this situation is supposed to help me work through? My mind spun with everything–the disappointment, the sadness, the search for the greater meaning. Because I know it’s something bigger than just the obvious.
At home that night, a package from New Jersey was waiting for me, with a loving note, from someone who is truly a sister of mine, but from another mother. She is the sister of my sister-in-love, and we are both different and alike. We celebrate our differences and our similarities with abundant love, amazingly long telephone calls and have embraced each other in the most beautiful of ways.
In the package was a lovely leather and silver necklace with an amulet to protect travelers, a bowl of home-made chocolate chip cookies and the most loving card and note I could ever imagine.
Quiet winter/hush my soul/ remind me of what matters most
Spreading the package contents out on the coffee table in front of me, reading the beautiful card I sat on the sofa overcome with the blessings in my life. Sure, the “shoulds” plague me from time to time.
And then, the Divine pops up, providing me exactly what I need at the precise time I need it.
Love comes when we least expect it and it doesn’t have to come from someone related by blood. It is entirely possible to enjoy, appreciate and love someone holistically– for how they are different AND how they are the same as we are. We just have to be awake to the possibilities.
Sister-from-another-mother and I are both aunts to the same fabulous young man. Each of us is close with him and each of us brings a different vibe and sensibility to that relationship.
“He’s lucky,” my husband observed, the other day. “He has all the bases covered with the two of you, plus his mother.”
And so do I. To paraphrase a friend: We don’t always get the family we want, but we do get the family we need.
Today, I honor my sister-in-love and my sister-from-another-mother, who give me exactly what I need all the time.
That would be love.
And I give it back to them in equal measure, thanking the Divine for the gift of being able to give and receive love with abandon.
Thanks to the Divine, and my divine sisterhood for the reminder.